“I just want my kids to be happy.”

How did that statement become the dominant parenting philosophy today? Author Andrew Root briefly tours history to answer that question. He explores the answer to that question in his provocatively titled book, The End of Youth Ministry?.

The Shift to Happiness

In the book, Root traces how happiness eclipsed living a “good” life (i.e. well-lived and moral) as the goal of human existence. In the last two hundred years or so, two major forces came together to elevate the status of happiness to an all-encompassing hypergood in the minds of parents. The first force was economic growth from the Industrial Revolution. The second was changes in philosophy and worldview systems. Due to many complicated factors, the belief system of the West began to prioritize the individual over the community.

Now, growing affluence and a focus on individual rights aren’t necessarily bad things. I would rather have a little jangle in my pocket than be starving, of course. But, largely, it was the unintended consequences of these cultural shifts that have produced the climate we exist in today where happiness has now become the dominant goal for human existence.

Happiness is just not the concern for the average person, but it is now especially an all-consuming focus of many parents. Their concern is to make sure their children are happy. So how do you make your kids happy? According to the main cultural narrative in our country, our kids will be happy when they know who they are (identity). How does a kid know who they are? They come to forge their identity by finding their thing. Kids need to have a thing (soccer, karate, coding, theater, etc.). If kids have a thing, they will then be recognized for that thing and that recognition will give them a sense of identity. Their sense of identity will then make them happy.

Difficult circumstances, however, can prevent kids from finding their thing or make success at their thing unattainable. Therefore, parents need to protect from emotional injury. If parents can insulate their kids from emotional injury, they will be happy. Children will also be more likely to be successful at their thing. Protection becomes even more imperative because of the perceived speeding up of the world. With life moving so fast, parents have come to believe it is their duty to slow-down their kids’ entrance into adulthood.

Unfortunately, the unintended consequence of the combination of parental protection and a slower transition into adulthood has “fragilized” many kids. Not only are kids less resilient to adverse circumstances, but, ironically, their sense of self (their identity) is much more fragile as well. The fragility identity construction, then, creates a cultural incentive for even more performative actions to differentiate oneself among the masses. Some may take a different route for identity creation, however. Instead of seeking to stand out through performative actions, some may affiliate with tribe which has a clearly defined enemy. Thus, the quest for identity above all else also contributes to much of the polarization that we see in American culture today.

Conclusion

Root’s delineation of history is important because it helps demonstrate how we got to the point we are today. Happiness dominates. To be happy, you need to know who are; you need an identity. To construct your identity, you need a thing which comes to define you. Once you excel that your thing, you will receive recognition which will validate your identity. But since life has become increasingly fast-paced and complex, many things, such as emotional injury or difficult circumstances, can impinge on your identity and reduce your happines. Therefore, parents need to emphasize safety and slow their kids down. If kids are safe and slowed down enough to explore their identity; they will be happy.

But what if the kids aren’t happy? What then?

I will explore the answer to those questions in part two.