When Heather miscarried her first pregnancy, people around us told us that we were grieving. Obviously, we both knew that was the case from the sadness we were experiencing. Being told we were grieving was like having a handful of pieces for an 1,000 piece puzzle. Certainly, it was a good start, but it was not nearly enough. Being told that you have a problem is much different than being offered a solution to a problem you have identified. I believe a major problem when dealing with grief is that no one really tells you how to grieve. Platitudes exist, of course. One of the long-accepted truisms of grieving is that “Everyone grieves differently.” Yes, and amen. Everyone grieves differently. But certainly, we can offer people more than that. 

What is grief?

Most simply, grief is sadness over a loss. Consequently, the depth and intensity of grief can thus fluctuate depending on the significance of the loss. What such a broad definition of grief exposes is the fact that most people may experience a lot more grief than they realize. In fact, many people can often experience grief and not realize it because they have just experienced something good and joyous. For example, people get promotions. What a joyous thing! They are able to receive higher pay, a better office, and more responsibility. And yet, they have also experienced some losses: loss of comfort and predictability in their work, loss of a close-knit team they worked with, and maybe even loss of a living space as they relocate. 

The danger to our souls comes when we experience these losses but don’t grieve them. Ungrieved losses pile up in our souls, wreaking havoc on our relationships, especially with God and those closest to us. There seems to be a kind of “grief debt” that exists for many. And like every kind of debt, there is a payment that must be made. Unfortunately, too often, we not aware that this payment must be paid and the debt keeps growing, constraining our emotional and spiritual vitality, much like financial debt hampers our financial security. Therefore, learning how to grieve seems to be a very important skill to cultivate. Again, I am not saying there is a one-size-fits-all way to grieve. I am trying to present a framework for how to grieve so that people can process their losses before the Lord. 

Theological Truths as a Ballast 

Ballast is a heavy material placed in the bottom of a vessel, particularly a ship, to provide stability. I believe that certain theological truths derived from Scripture can be ballast for our souls, that if they sink down to the bottom of our hearts, they can stabilize us in disorienting times. Three truths about God help us navigate grief. 

First, God the Father is sovereign over our suffering. The Bible depicts a God who is in complete control of all things. He knows the end from the beginning (Isaiah 46:9-10). He does whatever he pleases (Psalm 115:3). Our Statement of Faith summarizes what Scripture teaches about God saying that he has “limitless knowledge and sovereign power.” God’s sovereignty means that he has foreordained all of our suffering. He certainly knew (“limitless knowledge”) that the pregnancy would end in Heather’s womb, and he could have prevented it (“sovereign power”). But he chose not. I realize that stating things in such a stark way is bracing and uncomfortable. But what would be more unnerving to me is if God was not in control. If he was not sovereign, whatever suffering happened to us would then either be completely random or too powerful for him to stop. Instead, the Scriptures present a completely sovereign God we can trust, and even though we may not know why this specific thing happened to us, we know that God will use it for our good and his glory (Romans 8:28-29). 

Second, God the Son has suffered and died. Jesus intentionally came into the world to experience suffering and loss. In fact, he was a “man of sorrows,” well-acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3). Jesus himself recognized that certain things can only happen through suffering and grief: “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit” (John 12:24). In context, Jesus is speaking of his impending death. Only if he dies can he save the world. Yet, Jesus’ words don’t end there. He applies them to his disciples: “If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him” (John 12:26). In other words, only by following Jesus to where he is (suffering and death) will we as his disciples ever experience God’s resurrection power. Our lives are based upon the pattern of Jesus’ life: the seed must die to flower with fruitfulness. Pastor Pete Scazzero writes, 

Most of us tend to live under the illusion that God wouldn’t intentionally lead us into such pain [of loss] —especially multiple times. We can’t make any sense of why the people and things we love must literally and figuratively experience the finality of death…If we embrace these losses for the severe mercies they are, God does a profound work in us and through us in ways that are similar to what the apostle Paul describes as ‘death is at work in us, but life is at work in you’ (2 Corinthians 4:12)” (Emotionally Healthy Leader, pg. 281). 

We can be stabilized by realizing that some of the most beautiful things in our lives are only possible through loss and grief. 

Third, God the Spirit groans along with us. The Scriptures thoroughly understand our loss and pain. The apostle Paul recognizes that the whole creation “groans” under the corruption that came from human sin (Romans 8:22). We too groan with pain, living in a fallen world while we await a new creation (Romans 8:23). Amazingly, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with “groanings too deep for words” (Romans 8:26). The thematic connection of groaning in the passages seems to indicate the Holy Spirit knows what we’re going through and provides help to us to persevere in the face of suffering grief. 

Knowing these truths about the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit can anchor our souls in God’s love and remind us that we are not alone in the universe. God loves us very much and is walking with us through our suffering and grief. As Pastor Dennis has been apt to say, our responsibility is to walk with the God who walks with us. 

How to Grieve

Having set a theological framework for grief, I want to get a little bit more specific on how to grieve. 

Create Space to Contemplate: When faced with loss, one temptation is to fill your life with so many activities that you don’t have to deal with your sadness. Some people resort to avoiding their issues with busyness, whether it’s work, kid’s activities, or hobbies. But avoiding issues doesn’t make them go away. It merely buries them deep in our hearts so that they exert more and more subconscious control over our lives. We begin acting and reacting in ways we never imagined because of the unprocessed grief lodged deep in our souls. Therefore, we must create space to contemplate. This is uncomfortable. It means slowing down and taking time out of our schedules to pray, journal, and think before the Lord. Creating this space can be especially difficult if a loss has placed even more responsibilities upon us. Yet, it is vital. Without active contemplation of these things before the Lord, without bringing them to the light of Jesus, they will stay hidden and continue controlling our lives. 

Name Your Losses: During the space we create for ourselves, we must get specific on what we have lost. Oftentimes, we can have a general feeling of being “off” when we experience loss. But what have we actually lost? So much of the grief in our life retains power over us because we either cannot get a handle on it or refuse to. In the Harry Potter book series, the Dark Lord, Voldemort, creates such an atmosphere of fear that most people are unable to say his name. Instead, they refer to him as “You-Know-Who” or “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.” Voldemort knew that he could control the masses if he could create an aura of unspecified fear. But Harry and Dumbledore directly use the name Voldemort, stripping it of its terrifying power. So it is with many of the losses in our lives. When we actively name them, we can begin to confront them and allow the light of Jesus to heal our hearts. Growing in Christ essentially means allowing Jesus to have more and more access to your life. And loss is a part of our life. 

Reckon with the Cost: When we get a little better grip on the kinds of losses we are experiencing, we can reckon with the cost. Every loss costs us something. We can be honest and direct, asking: What has this loss cost me? Another great question to help process grief I have found is: What am I going to miss about this? What makes grief so unbearable at times is the amount of good things that loss strips of our lives. Honestly, acknowledging the loss of these good things can, paradoxically, loosen the grip of bitterness towards the Lord and life. When we directly acknowledge that good things have gone by the wayside, we can open ourselves up to hear from the Lord what new good things he is doing in our midst. The seed falling into the ground and dying is only one-half of the equation. In God’s economy, the loss blossoms forth in a new beginning. But we may be too blind to see it if bitterness swallows us up. Reckoning with the cost may lead us to acknowledge some unpleasant changes that have happened within us. Loss does change us. No one is a stone statue, emotionally immune to the loss. But knowing in what ways we have been damaged allows Jesus to do his restoring work in our lives. 

Commemorate and Remember God’s Faithfulness. As we are processing our losses, it may be appropriate to commemorate these things in our lives. Funerals commemorate the death of a loved one. Yearly trips to the cemetery keep the memory of their life in our minds. Commemorating losses, most importantly, provides us an opportunity to erect an Ebenezer in our lives. The word Ebenezer is the combination of two Hebrew words, eben (“stone”) and ezer (“help”). An Ebenezer is a “stone of help” (1 Samuel 7:12). It commemorates God helping the Israelites achieve a victory. If you have seen the Lord be your “God of Help” in trying times, it may be appropriate to designate some physical object as a reminder of his faithfulness. Create a scrapbook of memories. Even journaling ways you have seen God be faithful to you in the loss may be a poignant reminder of his goodness.  

Conclusion

Dealing with grief is never easy. But maybe if we continue to think through a biblical framework for processing the losses in our life, we can continue to be a people who grieve differently than the rest of the world that has no hope apart from Jesus (1 Thessalonians 4:13).